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Keeping the balance

5/7/2021 - 8 months ago

My road to femboyhood was a very rocky one. I had to deal with bullying classmates, uncooperative parents, the stormy internet and society in general.
For a long time I felt really lost about who I am.
I was torn between the trans community, the femboy community, the gay community and suffered from gender dysphoria. A while I even transitioned to female.
In the storm around my body I forgot what really matters:
My personality, my likes and dislikes, my goals, what makes me happy and the present. It is so easy to only value yourself by how cute, beautiful or feminine you are. It is so easy to reduce your personality to just "feminine". The more I got myself into this, the more appreciation and validation I needed, I wanted to be more beautiful than singers, moviestars, any woman on the street.
And it was fun at first, I learned all about diet, about Makeup, about voice feminization, about female clothing.
What started as wanting to be cute turned into an obsession of becoming the most feminine person I personally could know. And that is unrealistic.
After all we are still boys or men. If we are not ftm then we have XY chromosomes, male genitalia and male sex characteristics. If we start rejecting those parts of ourselves for the sake of attaining the ultimate beauty/purity/cuteness we ultimately end up neglecting and damaging the body that hosts us and keeps us walking on this planet.
Then we have the trans community neighboring the femboy community. I've seen and read about many femboys who ended up being transgirls and of transgirls who came to us to be femboys. As a femboy it might be hard to discern whether you might be trans, or just a feminine boy and you really might not know what the outcome of that question is. You might go either way.
In between all that could be dysphoria, hating your body hair, your masculine frame and then you suddenly have the task of finding out whether your dysphoria means that you're trans or whether it means that you don't like masculine features.
Then there's also the public, your friends, your parents. You might be scared of being hurt, rejected, oppressed, people might traumatize you. Likely all your questioning and self finding might have started in puberty. You might be lost, alone, confused. You don't know who you are, what you are, maybe you try to identify with a bunch of labels but non of them fully fit you so you pile them on top of yourself.
All this is not as important as you, yourself. You are the little thing in your head, or in your heart, or in your soul. Whatever you believe in. And all of this striving for femininity does not define your essence but your style of expression and your body. Do not abandon that "you" in a search of finding your place among the others.
You definitely do not have to be alone in this, there's plenty of groups on social media plattforms centered around different labels. There's also communities who don't like labels or don't know which labels they belong to. Join us, reach out. But always keep a critical mind. Don't let others tell you who you are. Question it if they tell you you might be "this" or that".
I'm turning 20 this year. I entered the storm when I was 13 and now I'm at the exist. What I experienced fundamentally changed me and I'm relieved I'm finally out. But now I know myself a little better. I can tell you accurate things about myself.

If you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and observe all the concepts, things that are pulling at you. Don't let them take you with them. Analyze whether they are what you want, whether they are what is good for you. Keep the balance between all the push and pulls and you will get through the storm safely.